"I heard you like to shoot Niners' fans." "Niners' Fans got no reason to live."

It seems that every other time I flip over to the NFL network, I see the retrospective on the Patriots’’ 2001 season. Naturally, this includes the infamous “tuck rule” game between the Pats and the Raiders. Now, if I was a Raiders fan, this fact would either drive me to staple my testicles to my thigh or immediately call DirecTV and tell them to shut that fucking channel up.

Speaking of Bay area football fans, I’m pretty much surrounded by mouth-breathing Niners fans who are still convinced that it is a good idea to pay Vernon Davis 23 million dollars to catch one pass a game. As such, I don’t think I’ve ever been more anxious about a football game than the upcoming Niners/Dolphins match up. This has been a great year for Dolphins fans thus far. After going 1-15 last year, almost anything (*cough*Lions*cough*) would’ve been like a removing a plastic bag from a toddler’s head after 25 seconds of blue-faced suffocation, but the fact that they have 8 wins with three more games to go is nothing short of having Scarlett Johansson rub your crotch for 25 seconds. If the Dolphins lose this game to the Niners, however, it will be like it is Michael Jackson rubbing the aforementioned crotch instead of Scarlett. If I have to listen to Niner fans boast about their dominance over the ‘Fins, it will be insufferable even if the Dolphins miraculously win the Superbowl after several NFL teams die in a series of unrelated and tragic plane crashes.

Sarah is out of town today, which means that I have the house to myself. This changes very little, since she has given up on transforming me into the kind of guy who wakes up at 7:30 on Saturdays to pull weeds, mow the lawn and fix something mechanical. The only real difference is that I’m probably going to call everyone I know, which is what I usually do when she’s gone. I’m not lonely. I swear.

This mostly-depressing semester of school is nearing its end, and I can’t help but hope that next semester will be better despite all evidence to the contrary. It’s also quite depressing that I’m a thirty-year-old man that still measures the passage of time in terms of “semesters.”