Top Ten Most Searched Items on Yahoo!

Cheryl Burke
This sounds vaguely like the name of some 80's model/actress, but I'm not really sure at all who this is. So I am going to make it up. Burke was charged today with three counts of felony vandalism, which is highly ironic considering the "Cheryl Burke Foundation for the Preservation of White Spaces on Walls," a group founded, in large part, on the substantial financial success Burke experienced in the '80's with hit films like "Radical Tension" co-staring Denis Quaid and "The Deluxe Thunderbird" co-staring Burt Renyolds.
Courtney Thorne-Smith
Have I ever had a better list to work with? Courtney Thorne-Smith? Really? O.K. I suppose I have to look this one up because I'm going to feel like a dick if something bad happened to her (which is the only way she could end up at #2 on this list).

Here are the first two search results:

Courtney Thorne-Smith and Her Boys Take a Hike
Celebrity Baby Blog - ‎6 hours ago‎
Courtney Thorne-Smith goes unusually baby-free as she and her husband Roger Fishman go out for a morning hike with their pup on Saturday. ...
Lifetime rushes actresses for "Sorority" movie
Reuters - ‎Mar 22, 2009‎
By Nellie Andreeva LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Courtney Thorne-Smith is set to star in "Sorority Wars," a Lifetime original movie set in the ...

It must be the lifetime movie.

Nadya Suleman

I'm not a big fan. But as a future dad, I think I'm as morally guilty as anyone else for bringing another life into an already crowded world. That sounds almost as cliche as the gushy stuff I hear about children. There is no possible way for me to reconcile, in my mind, the concept of children and my expectation of fatherhood. It's mind-destroying madness, I tell you.
David Letterman

I wonder why I can't stay up late anymore. It's like all of the sudden my body decided that 11PM was my bedtime, regardless of circumstance or day of week. Perhaps this coincided with daylightsavingstime, but were that the case, it would still fail to account for the fact that I used to stay up until 1 or 2 AM. Sometimes my writing feels so wordy. I almost always feel that the thought I had in my brain could have been expressed much better in words by someone else.
U2 Tickets

See, this is why U2 is great. Not that their music is particularly awe-inspiring at this late stage in their career, but their presence in the world has been so prodigious and prolonged that their actual existence as a working band is now what creates awe.
Komodo Dragons

One thing I loved about the Final Fantasy series (at least 1-6) was the presence of Dragons. Now, those of you who are followers of the Chocobo, you know that in the FF universe, there are both traditional Dragons as we know them, with the wings, scales, fire-breath, and the like, but there are also a class of characters known as Dragoons, who were fierce warriors who usually had the ability to leap in the air for massive damage to their ground-bound foes. The most famous of these Dragoons, of course, was Kain from Final Fantasy IV (2 if you played it on the Super Nintendo) who betrayed his kinsmen, Cecil of Baron, after the latter threw down the evil gauntlet of Dark Knighthood and embraced the light of the Paladin. That was sexy.
Toxic Assets

It would be great if this was a more literal title. I would more seriously consider this subject if that were the case. But being as this is not the case, I shall not discuss it any further.
Cholesterol Levels

I hate stuff like this. Stuff connected to mortality, dying, getting old, etc. There's a great part in Heart of Darkness where the protagonist, Marlow, talks about how much he hates lying. And his reason is interesting; he says it reminds him of mortality. This ties in nicely with how he eventually views the world as pointless and absurd and becomes an existentialist.
Ringtones

I love it when one of my student's phones goes off in class and they're bumping something like T.I. or Lil' Wayne.
Used Cars
I wish our economy didn't suck. One thing that strikes me as interesting is that no one I know can adequately explain how things got to this point. It's mainly because most people don't really understand the economy (I know I don't) and thus we do not grasp the intricacies. So, I can be vaguely angry at AIG and shout something about housing prices and foreclosures while the government does something about this whole thing were in right now. Yeah.

Top Ten Most Searched Items on Yahoo!

Jessica Alba
There's something about Alba that stops her from being as hot as she actually is at this point, if you understand what I mean (if you do, explain it to me). But on the other hand, she's also a terrible actress. So there's that. I remember when Dark Angel was on and I only knew her as "the girl with the lips designed for a very specific activity"
Alyssa Milano
It's really difficult to think of something interesting to say about someone like Milano. She's basically been a life-long TV fixture, and I can't decide how to evaluate that. Was she good on Charmed? Was it possible to be good on Charmed in any meaningful way? She is cute, though, this doesn't seem like much commentary given my own self-important blog and degree in English. I feel like I should be able to use imagery and metaphors to verily, and in great depth, describe ever nuance and shade of the Alyssa Milano Cute. But, no.
Courteney Cox
Let's just skip her, o.k.? She's boring. I have nothing to say.
NCAA Brackets
I remember when this would thrill Matt Lydon and me in our Freshman English class. We would spend all class looking at each others' brackets and critiquing them in ways we didn't even know could be applied to literature yet. Mrs. Clouse thought that they were an atrocious waste of time, and I thoroughly agree with here now.
Barack Obama
He filled out one of those brackets. And it became a national news story. The republicans I know truly believe that he is going to usher in the end times. I don't really see why people are so all-or-nothing with Obama. I think he's pretty good for a politician. I don't understand the hyperbole on either side.
Clive Owen
My wife loves this guy. I don't know that I've really seen him act. Perhaps I have, but nothing occurs to me at this moment. What is it with older British men that seems to attract the ladies? I guess their sophistication, or at least ostensible sophistication in relative to American men, makes them more attractive. Their teeth are getting better. And British ladies are the cat's meow. I love Kate Winslet. Swoon.
Paris Travel
Paris is a wonderful city. I'll never forget the first place that we ate at in Paris. It was a totally random cafe and it had about the best food I've ever tasted. And the wine was cheaper than soda. What a country! By the way, who has the money to travel to Paris right now anyway? Whoever they are, I bet they have a top hat and monocle.
Color Contacts
I honestly don't think that eye color matters that much. Really. You shouldn't be sticking plastic in your eyes unless your vision is flawed. If this is purely cosmetic, it's stupid. If not...o.k., but why do you want to change the color of your eyes? Especially if you are a girl. There's no way that a guy is really going to look you in the eyes or care about your eye color. Boobs.
Home Appliances
Next.
Affordable Housing
Times have changed...

BSG Finale

From my vantage point, this finale was absolutely disappointing, but that's perhaps because I didn't watch the series over the course of years, but months. And there are still a lot of episodes that I haven't seen. Having said that, I'll give my two-cents. The first hour was exciting and tense, while the second hour tried very hard to be cryptic and give resolution at the same time, but it failed on both counts. Still, the stretch of episodes this season dealing with the mutiny was amazing, so I'll forgive and forget. No one made me watch this show anyhow, I just felt let down.
They should have ended on a shot of Earth after the jump. Perfect. Instead we got 45 minutes of outtakes from "Planet Earth".

I must say something nice, though, right? The special effects in the first half were top-notch and I would go as far as to say that the actual assault was perhaps the best space battle I've seen.

Gaius was exemplary as usual, but he had more to do this time around. I think he has the most interesting character arc on the show.

EJO was kickass in many scenes, but in the second half he became bogged down by the scenery a bit.

I'm feeling a bit over-critical right now. I need to watch it again.

Top Ten Most Searched Items on Yahoo! - Pithy one-sentence edition

Vanessa Minnillo
She's married to that Lachey guy, and kinda seems like a weird version of Tara Reid except not as gross.
Natasha Richardson
I hope she's alright.
Jennifer Grey
Frances. That's a real grown up name.
Coffee Coupons
Caffeine is my master.
Dancing With the Stars
My parents love this show.
Carson Daly
Douche bag.
Antivirus Software...
Everyone should obviously have this. Come on!
Protein Shakes
There's a joke here but I'll let you write it with your own mind. Isn't that groundbreaking? Or is it just lazy postmodernism?
DJ AM
He's like one of the characters on LOST or one of the people on Sully's plane.
Unemployment...
Get a job, you hippie!

Top Ten Most Searched Items on Yahoo!

Bijou Phillips
I'm starting to see a pattern here. Anyway, I have no idea why this particular actress is at the top of the list today, but I have a pretty good Damned idea that I'm not going to go through the effort to find out. And I wonder why no one reads this thing. Reading this blog is hazardous to your IQ. Seriously. Keep not reading it.
Lindsay Lohan
Speaking of "look me over here!", we come to Ms. Lohan. Do you guys remember when she was hot? There was a short period where we thought that Fez from "That 70's Show" was a lucky fellow. I'm guessing she's on here for drinking or/and driving and/or cocaine. It's certainly not for a new film role. Zing!
Madonna
Which one?
Printable Coupons
This makes a lot of sense. We all need coupons in a time like this. And we'd rather print them off the Internet. The Internet is all. The Internet is win. You will use the Internet more and more, until it is seamlessly integrated into every aspect of your life. That's when they get you.
Ron Silver
Is he a producer? I have no desire to look this up.
Healthy Snacks
Hmm? This is one of those really puzzling search results, not because it's hard to believe people verily enjoy Healthy Snacks, but because it happens to be in the top 10 on this particular day. Why are people concerned with healthy snacks today? Does it have to do with Spring? Maybe the economy? Is it somehow Obama's fault? I really have no tenable theory here.
Dora the Explorer Doll
Dora is cool. What is it about Dora which is so disarming? Makes me a little bit sad knowing I'm not having a Mexican baby. However, the chances that Paige will be an "explorer" in any conventional sense of the word is probably unlikely given her parents anxiety.
Don Imus
He has cancer. Obviously, your heart goes out to him since when people have cancer it really really sucks. True, he says inflammatory things, but cancer is so bad that the empathy for those that have it cross all human boundaries.
Debt Consolidation
Yes, a lot of people owe a lot of money right now. It's depressing, so I just don't think about it.
St. Patrick's Day
It's coming up. I guess it's a big deal in Elementary school. Sarah's telling me that I need to wear green, but I'm not particularly worried about it. The chances that one of my students will decide to pinch me is thankfully low, so there's no reason to worry about it. Also, I can't really drink, even though I'm Irish. There's no drinking while in this pregnancy window.

Three Things List

Three names I answer to:1. Radon2. Josh3. Meatball
Three jobs I have had in my life:1. Snake Handler2. Lutherian Preacher3. Augerer
Three places I have lived1. The moon2. Box3. Dodger Stadium
Three favorite drinks1. Amp2. AMP!3. AMP AMP AMP AMP AMP MY CHEST HURTS AMP AMP AMP
Three TV shows that I watch:1. LOST2. 30 Rock3. Battlestar Galactica
Three places I have been:1. London2. Paris3. Amsterdam
People that e-mail me regularly:1. Sarah wife2. Parents mainly mom about L.A. sports teams
3. SBHS administration and staff
Three of my favorite foods:1. Placenta2. Iditarod dog meat (Winners only)3. Boston accents
Three friends I think will respond:1. NOPE2. ?3. ?
Three things I am looking forward to:1. School ending2. December 21st, 20123. "New Moon" in theaters. OMG!

Top Ten Most Searched Items on Yahoo!

1) Natalie Gulbis - I don't know who this is. I'm assuming/hoping she's some sort of hot chick. I mean, if she first...
Let's see.

Oh, I see. She's a golfer with an enormous rack. That kinda makes sense, but why is she first?
It's because she botched the cupcakes she was baking on NBC's "Celebrity Apprentice." Of course.

2) Olivia d'Abo
I believe this is because of her hotness as well, but I'm not looking it up.

3) AnnaSophia Robb
O.K. enough already with this stuff. This is the fifteen year-old girl from that Witch Mountain movie with the rock. I guess there are a lot of teen boys with crushes on her. I'll wait three years to comment on this one.

4) Marianne Faithfull
She's still alive??? Oh right, I heard she has a new album coming out. Anyone remember that song she did with Metallica? Did I like that song?

5) NCAA Brackets
There was a time, perhaps 15 years ago, whe filling these things out meant a lot to me. Actually, as it is selection Sunday, I'm a little surprised that this is fifth. I suppose we've gotta get the non-pornographic masterbatory material out of the way first.

6) BeBe Winans
Some sort of lame R&B/Gospel singer. No reason to comment further.

7) Cell Phone Deals
Funny story, CELL PHONES SUCK!
I'm really tired of fighting a stupid war over these little devices every single day while I teach.

8) Spring Break Travel
Who can afford this?

9) Car Stereo Systems
Just when I thought that I couldn't find a less interesting subject...

10) Business Software
I don't have a business. I don't like software. Yawn.

Made a student cry today

Not as fun as you would think

Goddamnit all

But I love managing my fantasy basketball team(s)

Loli Loli Loli get your adverbs here

Your mid-twenties can be truly magical period of time. Not for any important or spiritual reasons, mind you, but I now understand what it feels like to be economically unrestrained. You want that new CD? Buy it. You desire the latest incarnation of a stupid, flawed sports video game? Yes. Get it. How about a pair of jeans that don't have holes in the left leg? Yeah, we can swing that.

Ah, how times have changed.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Valve's Left4Dead. I LOVE IT! But, this is the first time in ages when I've truly been frustrated by cooperative play. At this point, I know the maps. I know where to go. I know what kind of shit gets the entire team killed. I am finally at the point with a game where I can call other people n00bs and mean in it an unironic sense. Hey, it's a good idea to throw that molotov cocktail at your teammates, right? How about running around in circles because you don't know where the fuck you are going? Brilliant. Perhaps you could just follow the guy (me) who knows where he's going. Maybe that way I won't get jumped by a smoker or a hunter while a bunch of mouth-breathing morons run around in circles looking for non-existent paths through the level.

There was actually a time

My old blog posts are interesting. Perhaps only to me.